Its ten am. I wake and I look over and the dog has snuggled up next my legs; he has the sense that i provide some sort of security. Its not true... there are days that I wanna strangle this poor 8 pound mongrel. Why strangle a small dog you ask? Because his asshole has no respect for mans furniture and concept of toilets..

My head is heavier than a Buick. It lacks motivation; it feels like it belongs buried in my pillow. but sooner or later I have to get out of this bed because if I don't get out of bed people are gonna think that I'm a useless human being. and I probably am; at thirty one I have a felony criminal record and no job and no prospects going for me. I have twenty dollars in my wallet and my most valuable possession is my xbox 360.

I lift myself out of bed like a vampire looking to feed. I look at myself in the mirror, I remind myself that I need to work out. I lost a bit of weight in the joint and I have committed myself to keeping it off. I make a vain effort to eat better, with good results though. i usually run and do a bit of calisthenics a few times a week, which keeps the blood from settling because if I don't move off the couch I'm in danger of becoming comatose and possibly go insane.

I shower. Then jack off in the shower to some soft core porn I remember watching the night before on showtime. Its all part of the same ritual and routine that plagues me like aids or cancer of the face. Another day, another shower, another porn memory, another day of living rotting.

I dress and go downstairs and make me a salad. by this time its lunch and I get my two phone calls arriving on schedule. First its my girl and life partner, then its the usual telemarketer. Which might as well be my life partner because the same pricks keep calling everyday and there is no reasonable way to get off their goddamn phone list.

Today is different though. today I'm meeting my new probation officer. I have to report to the thumb of the law. a new overseer to make sure i don't fuck up the privilege of being on probation. and to make sure I know where to report to, as well as to make sure that I know where to send my restitution payments. at about 1:30 pm I'm gonna leave the fortress of ineptitude and head down to the county probation office.

I jump in my little hatchback and drive the whopping mile to the county courthouse. parking seems a bit hard to find but somehow I find favor with the parking gods and find me a spot only a half mile away from the courthouse. I think to myself i could of walked from home .

Courts and government buildings no matter how full of people and things going on have always seemed empty and cold to me. Like you know that this is the place where fates are decided and when judgement is passed somebody is surely getting raped by an attorney or jury wearing s&m attire. its probably not happening but that's whats just going thru my mind.

4Th floor. that's where i need to go. and an elevator appears before me. Perfect timing. I'm at least 15 minutes early for my appointment.

I get to the fourth floor and I exit the elevator to see a nice plump Latina girl sitting behind an inch thick glass panel, safely protected from the rest of us felonious riff raff. I give her my name and instructs me to wait in the hall with the rest of my criminal brethren. there is this long white hallway with a row of chairs lined up against the windows that showcase the courtyard. I think to myself someone in this group is not going home today. They probably slammed some dope earlier and are gonna test dirty and get busted and probably spend a month in the county jail only to be released and slam dope again. wash, rinse, repeat, its all to familiar and all to common.

I find a seat between this withered white lady/junkie/tweeker who looks like she's been here to many times and has sold her body a couple of times for dope. I'm not sure of this but she looks like she probably has. and on my right is another white chick way to skinny to be a pothead blabbering about how she is the most unique person in the world and how the world will never know any chick like her. Bullshit; there are to many of her kind around, most of them on skid row or in halfway houses. but shes to stupid to know any better, someone told her shes special and somehow believed that lying sack of shit.

All of us here are not here because we make safe and sane decisions. Were here because we're to stupid to not care for the law. And this is where we find ourselves post incarceration, waiting in the hall for our p.o. to call our name and for them to advise us that we cant be near any firearms and to be sure to check in every month.

The wait begins. the blabbering continues; she's being egged on by another jack off who claims to have taken a psychology class and he can analyze her unique personality and notice that shes special too. its a vain and feeble attempt to get this poor girl to suck this guys peepee. And it'll probably work. Give'em what they want. Its what it comes down to.

I look at the faces around me, I see a lot hardship. I see allot punches thrown and eviction notices and missing welfare checks. i see a lot of bad decisions made and i see a lot of people in need of a bit of luck. but the result is always the same; prayers unanswered and PG&E shut off in the middle of their favorite Maury Povich episode. There is a lot of time served between all of us. I'm pretty sure we have all had a taste of tear gas and jail buses. this is my tribe.

Two hours go by; I finally meet my P.O. and to my surprise its a young white girl who is no older than 22 with a great future in law enforcement. You can tell she hasn't become a cynic yet. naivety is still written all over her face. We bullshit a bit about my tattoos and how they are so not gang related, because to my knowledge star wars fans haven't formed a gang and the robot on my right arm isn't a symbol of some prison mafia. we talk business and I soon leave.

I look down the hall as leave her office. Some probation people open a door and are escorting a guy i was waiting in line with in handcuffs. I knew it; someone was going to jail today....

Inauguration Day

Ahhh inauguration day. And I didnt watch. A historical day and I didnt even bother to turn into the network channels and watch the whoring of todays historical events.

Yes whoring.

They're whoring poor Pres. Obama to the fullest. And I refuse to give into it. Granted I was the biggest supporter of the man, but I refuse to give in to this bastardazation of cause. T-shirts, mugs, commerative coins,(we got some as x-mas gifts), bumper stickers... you name it, its had his face plastered all over it.

This is dangerous.

There is something essentially wrong with blind nationalism, after all it is what got us into this mess in the first place. Today its the promise of change, but not just a short eight years ago, the ferver of change motivated the right wing take over and shit all over our democracy.

What I'm saying is that we cant lose our edge. We need to keep our eye on our government. No matter who's at the reins. We should be as critical of this presidents policies as the last president. Because if we dont, nothing will get fixed, no one will be held accountable, and ultimately it will the taxpayer who ends up suffering for failed policy. And after all failed policy is why the country voted the way it did, so we should'nt handle our shiny new president with kid gloves. Instead be a silent cynic, hope for the best and if we dont like what happens we make our voices heard at the polls, and if we do like what we see, we give him another 4 years.

Remember that ultimately we hold the reins in this mother fucker.

So was I hopeful and happy that Obama was inaugurated today? Fuck yes. Ecstatic. But I dont like that the vultures are waiting to feed off poor Obama's
carcass. I am happy to see history made today; it means a lot for someone like myself to see a person of color take the reins. Its kinda like a fuck you to the establishment, the good ol' boys club has been finally penetrated. And that makes me happy.

So what did I do instead of watch the inauguration? I was racking my brain planing tonights dinner. -uv

Looking for justice for those who have none

It it all started with a male enhancement commercial.

"Look babe extenze..." she said. I didnt know what to make of her comment. it came out of nowhere; male enhancement... huh? What?? Que?? AM I inadequate? To that I replied, maybe its not our cocks... maybe your pussies are to big.

Then the awkward silence.

Ahhh the conversation minefield. And both of us on opposite ends if the minefield. one misstep and ordinance will explode.

She's looking at me looking at her.

I parry: "Why is it always about male enhancement, maybe its not that our cocks are too small, maybe its that some females cunts are to big? Where is the pill that makes your pussy smaller? Why are we the ones with sexual shortcomings? Where is the female accountability? I'm enraged, I'm fuckin pissed; I demand they make a pill for vaginal constriction!"

Then she said something insightful and caring but I dont remember what she said beacuse I was inside my brain throwing chairs and inciting revolution. There were men marching on the steps of the White House demanding that president elect Obama federally fund the cunt shrinking pill; the people were speaking, the people wanted pussy shriking pills for the poor women suffering from huge vaginas. who spoke for them? The big pussied women needed relief from their sexual inadequacy. Something had to be done.

My girl assured me that our sex life was quite adequate. I'll leave it that. But who is speaking for the women with huge pussies? Who do they see? Where is their pill?

After our conversation we both dove into some fucking bad ass awesome tasting ice cream from fresh and easy.

December, the rain, and me

These writings are carry overs from my myspace blog postings.





December. It marks the end of another year drawing to a close. And with it comes the height of winter, cold and unrelenting.

I see this month as a good way to wrap up a year that was pretty lamentable in its events. In other words 2008 was a pretty fuckin gay year for me. Most of it of course spent in jail. But it was one fraught with lessons, the discovery of one's self and limits. 2008 was a very introspective year for me and it definitely changed the course of my life. For better or worse it yet to be seen. So far its been positive i would say.
And I would also say that this year it was a year full of extremes. Extreme joy and celebrations, and then on the other side of the spectrum its was one of extreme sadness and tribulation. It was one of excesses and then one of the complete opposite. One minute I was indulging in all things consumable and then the next I was without, actually going to sleep hungry and having holes in the shoes on my feet. I think you get the idea.

So does this time of year make me look at people and wanna yell at the top of my lungs and yell cuss words. Yes. Yes it does. But instead I think I'm gonna just sit back and be happy to have four walls and fridge full of food and beer. I learned my lessons this year. I know whats important to me this year. And its not what the television or the mall tells me what it should be. Instead, I'm gonna wake up like any other day and look at the dog while it watches me take a leak and be grateful that I'm not in a maximum security jail eating balogna sandwiches.

Confessions of Mad Mexican with heartburn

Its a freezing saturday morning and I've just woken up still drunk from the previous nites drunk. Me and my brother, Rayce, and the girls apparently made to much of a commotion at BJ's Bar and Grill. Its in their opinion that if you have a good time in a bar that it is inapropriate. Apparently if you scream at the top of your lungs "I'm gonna tear this bar apart" it means that you are capable of tearing that bar apart. And to be honest if we would of stayed another 15 minutes in that place that probably would of come to fruition. Only that my girlfriend had sense enough to get us out of there. I hate those places. Fake neighborhood bars, with their phony ambience, and even phonier people, all that shit makes me wanna burn down those fuckin places but BJ's has a decent porter so thats the only thing that prevented me from beating up and raping the waiter (to prove a point) who ocassionaly came by to give his unasked opinion about the beer I was drinking and eventually pissing out. A lot of discussions took place that night, like why only crazy people make good art. Basically the standard drunken crazy rantings in a restaurant bar that isnt equipped for anything of substance.

The hangover could'nt come at a worse time. I passed out in my bed about 4am only to wake up at 8:40am to pack up my shit and haul ass in to Bakersfield. Saturday was spent moving crap and me ignoring my fryed nerves from a hard night of drinking. The absence of proper nutrition coupled with freezing tempratures in ol' Bako was making my life miserable, and even worse I had to move in me and my girlfriend into our new place. But perhaps that was a good way to sweat out the alcohol.

After a few hours of working in our new apartment, myself and my girl accompanied with her sister Summer, decided to put food into my swirling stomach. The whole day my stomach was begging for me to vomit, but me being the tough bastard I am, decided that was for fags and kept truckin. HEARTBURN, HEARTBURN, AND MORE FUCKIN HEARTBURN! The booze needed to be tamed. So we ventured on to find a decent chinese buffet. Beacuse when you're stomach and nerves are on the edge, chinese buffet is a certain cure. But fortunately to ol cast iron stomach welcomed the new found sustanance.

Its very rare to meet a waiter who is genuninely polite and of service. We were at a chinese buffet without a chinese or person of asain decent around. But that brought me comfort. I figured at least the place will be clean. And it was. And the food was good. It was raza behind in the kitchen so it tasted like mexican/chinese fusion cooking or chinexican. But this waiter stood out from the crowd, beacuse he wasnt chinese for one, and he was pleasant which made me wanna punch him, but at the same time was welcoming. The hangover was ruining my life. But the food helped.

I was back in Bakersfield. I was back in the midst of things. Me and my girl were embarking on another gamble on the future. And happy to do it. Sunday I woke up and my heartburn was gone.

The first entry...

I'm waiting to do a lot of things today. The things that normal people do as part of their routines, workout, get an oilchange for the minivan, visit the porn shop. Its cold this morning and I really dont wanna go for a "run" but i somehow got my lazy ass to commit to living a healthier lifestyle. It was one of the perks of doing a six month stint in the county jail; i lost a shit load of weight and somehow I am compelled to lose even more. But its ok.